As a new member in the I Love To Talk About My Fitness Journey When No One Asked club, I have tried all summer to do some research on the subject. I’ve scoured fitness blogs, health magazine articles and listened to many an “expert” about how to keep up the good work.

And I’m not going to lie to you. I ignored pretty much all of them.

I rejected all of the articles about “getting that body ready for spring!” and “tightening that tummy for crop top season!”

I rejected all of the articles about how “the summer is heating up, and so should your workout routine!”

This summer, I wanted to read articles that would actually provide guidance and support during this trying time. I didn’t care about “what foods to eat to reduce bloating so you can be bikini-ready” (I mean, good for you if you’re reading those articles, I’m just allergic to sugar-sweet fitness articles that always call me “babe” or use nauseating terms like “fit fam.” You’re telling me that that doesn’t just give you hives?).

So, I’m just sticking it right out there: I’m done with it. None of the information that I read this summer was actually that pertinent to my own foray into the Fitness Realm.

And that’s why I am offering a list of nonexistent-yet-painfully-relevant articles that could have been nice to find when I started my personal fitness plan at the beginning of summer.

Tips on How Not to Stare at the Girl doing the Splits Next to You Without Underwear

Excerpt:

“Hard to ignore? Of course, but being caught ogling could lead to a seriously awkward conversation. Follow these tips, and do yourself a favor by keeping your eyes on your own camel toe.”

Fashion and Fitness: Summer Gym Lookbook

Excerpt:

“Be a trendsetter in the gym this August, just like the guy on the Stairmaster wearing the bandana and sunglasses. Cute? Definitely. Functional? Naturally. Seasonal? You bet. Unleash your inner Fitness Fashion Icon like him and branch out from your usual brand of baseball-cap-couture.”

A Guide to Avoiding Sweaty Men who Claim They’ve Never Seen You Here Before Even Though They Definitely Have, Because You Come to This Same Gym Every Day at the Same Time And You Always See Them

Excerpt:

“Sometimes, just keeping your headphones in alone won’t work as an avoidance tactic. But it probably will, at least 95% of the time, so just start there, and may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Gym Toilet Roulette

Excerpt:

“It’s a perilous game to play, wondering which toilet hasn’t been sat and sweated upon in the last 20 minutes by someone who couldn’t wait to poop in their own home. Choose wisely, lest you sit on a warm, moist seat and regret your choice evermore.”

A List of the Top 10 Guttural Sounds You Might Hear and Attempt to Ignore Whilst Minding Your Own Business in the Weightroom

Excerpt:

“Unghhhhhhhhh”

“Oooomphh”

“Arghhhh”

How to Check Out The Hot Volunteer Firemen When They Are Working Out On Tuesdays At Noon Without Them Noticing

Excerpt:

“There’s no need to be ashamed that you’ve memorized which day the volunteer fire department comes to work out, but it is important to note at this time that they definitely DO notice when you are checking them out while they’re getting their grind on. Let’s try for some subtlety, okay?”

Your Servant and Self-Appointed Matriarch of the Fit Fam,

Em