Why should you take any sort of romantic advice from me?

You shouldn’t. That’s a trick question.

While I AM a genius, I will say that I may not know EVERYTHING about dating or relationships. However, I do know about people. And if I say that a person sucks, they probably do.

Which I why I am writing this post for you people, in case you may not have the insight with which the Lord has blessed me.

I don’t care if you’re dating someone seriously, only starting to talk to them or just flirting aimlessly with anyone and everyone. I know if the guy that you’re talking to sucks hard. And because I happen to have this vast expanse of wisdom at my disposal, I’m bequeathing some of it to you today.

Now, I will also add here that if you are also painfully clever and incredibly sharp-witted, most of the things on the carefully-crafted list below are things that you have probably already noticed. Maybe you’re ignoring them because you don’t want to admit that the absolute CROTCH that you’re talking to has got to go.

Well, here’s your wake up call. Check out this list and make it happen. Here are 10 easy, tell-tale signs that whatever guy you’re seeing casually/dating seriously/just flirting with just SUCKS THE BIG ONE.

He’s a stale communicator.

There are few things worse than actually really liking a guy and wanting to talk to him, but all of his responses to your messages are one word answers. Personally, I hate “lol” more than anything else. There’s no need to lol. I didn’t say anything funny. Leave me on read next time, it’ll be less irritating. If a guy’s lol’s, lmao’s, ok’s or wyd’s make you say “WTF???”, block his number and save yourself the irritation.

You have to initiate literally EVERYTHING.

If you’re seeing a guy and you have to initiate every single hang out, every single conversation and even every single physical touch, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! He clearly doesn’t care about making plans with you, so cut that dude loose.

He doesn’t care about anything that you care about.

If you have a passion, the guy you’re seeing should care at least a little bit about it, period. Unless your passion is something horrible, like collecting taxidermied wildlife or keeping all of your toenail clippings, in which case he should instead support you in getting the help you so obviously need. If you send him music to listen to, he should listen to it. If you want to show him your favorite movie, he should want to watch it. This is simple. If he cares about you, he’ll give it a go.

He doesn’t make an effort to get to know your family.

This is a huge red flag. You might be saying, “But Emma, my family is way too much to handle! I don’t want to expose him to that!” And to that, I say I AM THROWING THE BULLSHIT FLAG. If you love your family, he should want to get to know them, no matter how difficult they are. If he doesn’t? I’m sorry to tell you honey, but he does indeed suck.

He only ever wants to hang out at 11 p.m. on a Saturday night.

My friends and I call this “the witching hour.” It’s basically any time in the late, LATE evening when guys hit you up to hang out. Usually without any clothes. If you and the guy you’re seeing take advantage of the witching hour, cool. But if you’re serious about him, try to hang out sometimes during normal business hours. If he rejects that idea, he’s a jackass, point-blank, and you’re nothing but a booty call.

He only ever talks about himself.

I don’t even need to explain this. If all he ever does is talk about HIS job, HIS friends, HIS problems, his whatever, then he needs to be voted off the island ASAP.

You never see him drinking any water.

I know it’s bizarre, but hear me out: my personal belief is that if you don’t really ever see him drinking water, he probably doesn’t take care of himself. No, I have no concrete data to back this up. Not yet. But I’m willing to bet that if he’s not trying to be a hydrated human being, then he probably has questionable personal hygiene practices and a general apathetic attitude about himself as a whole. If this triggers you, I’d say, “sorry, I don’t make the rules,” but here I am, making a list of rules. Oops.

He tries to talk to your friends, too.

This is something that a lot of gals who I went to college with should pay attention to. HEED MY WORDS: If a guy that you’re casually talking to slides into your friend’s DMs, this is not something to ignore and move past. It wasn’t an accident. Yes, he knows that you guys are friends. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I’m sorry, but it’s sleazy and it’s gross, and in my personal and professional opinion, it warrants a swift kick, both in the balls and to the curb.

He’s gross about women.

Stop ignoring the fact that he makes gross comments about women’s bodies. Stop being okay with the fact that he and his friends oversexualize things that women do. If what he says, whether it’s about you or about someone else, makes you uncomfortable, then you need to drop him like a hot rock, because that is Scrub Behavior, and we don’t want no scrubs.

None of your friends actually like him.

And I mean NONE. If you’ve got great friends who you love and trust, maybe you should pay attention to the fact that all of your besties think the guy’s a loser. Just a thought, take it or leave it, but if they all think he sucks, chances are he probably does.

Your Astute and Solid Advice-Giving Servant,

Em

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