It’s the most inspiring fairy tale of our age. A tale as old as time, as it were.

And I’m the heroine of this story. Why?

Because I’m simply not the most on-top-of my beauty routine.

I don’t know that I would even call it a “beauty routine.” It’s more of an I’m-going-to-give-this-a-go-and-hope-it-works-out-in-my-favor routine.

On my best days, I’d call myself “low maintenance.” What can I say? I’m a woman of simple tastes. Keep reading to find out the 10 beauty/health trends that I’m giving the finger to in the absolute fairy tale that is my “routine.

Perfectly Plucked Eyebrows

I’ve always looked up to Chewbacca. He’s an all-natural body hair icon, and therefore my inspiration when it comes to my recently developed eyebrow routine, which, incidentally, is no routine at all. Like most of us, I, myself have had unfortunate plucking instances in my past, but WE DO NOT LET THE THIN BROWS OF THE 2000s DEFINE US. Nowadays, all I do is pluck that part in the middle and any stray hairs growing, say, out of my forehead. It’s the Wookie way.

Waxing

I know that there are people out there who swear by waxes to get rid of unwanted body hair. I will never, ever, ever be one of them. Don’t put hot wax on my armpits, don’t put hot wax on my legs, and for God’s sake, DO NOT PUT HOT WAX ANYWHERE NEAR MY NETHER BITS. I don’t care how great it feels afterward. I don’t care how smooth it is. I don’t want to feel the breeze down there. I’ll take the razor burn. It gives my bikini line character.

Period Panties

It’s bad enough that I actually have to suffer through my periods. I am rejecting the idea of free-bleeding into a pair of underpants and hoping there’s no spillover. It doesn’t line up with my trust issues. I’m all about trying new stuff to eliminate feminine hygiene waste, but I am more willing to just wait until some genius comes up with a formula for biodegradable pads and tampons. That would give me a little more piece of mind than a scrap of fabric that “women everywhere” are turning to. Who are these women, and where are they? I WANT TO KNOW.

A 237-Step Skincare Regime

If you have the money and the time to give your skin as much TLC as it needs and then some, I’m proud of you. But MY bank account, frankly, is looking a little like that won’t work for me. So I use a Bioré charcoal scrub and then a facial moisturizer, and that’s it. Every once in a while I might get a little crazy with a facemask, but I am giving the finger to oils and serums and rollers and pore strips and all those shenanigans. If I need all of that to keep my skin in check, then for the love of Pete, I’ll just put a paper bag over my head. It’d be cheaper.

Faux Freckles

I can’t support the appropriation of the freckle-faced culture. I’m sorry, I just simply won’t do it. And also, I have to say that I’ve never actually seen anyone try the fake freckle thing and do it well. I think freckles are absolutely delightful and charming, but I will not be attempting to stiff-arm my way into that community. I will say, however, that I am excited for the day when people are giving themselves fake acne scars, so I can finally be on-trend. No? You don’t think that’ll happen? Shame.

Professional Manicures/Pedicures

This is more of a finance issue than anything else. How much does a manicure/pedicure typically cost? 20 bucks? 30? More than that? Look, do you know how many loud and gaudy men’s shirts I can buy at the Goodwill for that much? I’m just saying, a mani/pedi doesn’t last forever, but a vintage Def Leppard t-shirt just might.

Bath Bombs

Not to be graphic, but there is no way in the fresh hell I live in that I will be lowering my sensitive parts into a bathtub full of bacteria and artificially colored bubbles. No way. Uh uh. Is a bath with a bath bomb relaxing? Maybe. Does it provide you with an aesthetically pleasing picture for your Snapchat story or VSCO account? For sure. Be that as it may, I’m not playing Yeast Infection Roulette just so I can have glittery bathwater. Count me OUT.

Cold Showers

The benefits have been advertised to us by the experts. I see it, I get it, I’m with it, but I will not be partaking. I like my shower water hotter than the devil’s double chin. Cold showers are for weirdos, people fighting off animalistic urges, and blanching green beans. Me? I’d rather be boiled alive, thank you very much.

Waist Trainers

Oh no, no, no, no. If my daily exercise and attempts at eating a semi-healthy diet aren’t enough to eliminate my muffin top, then I’ll keep the muffin top, as it appears to be the way that the Good Lord made me, and that will be how I stay (amen, thanks be to God). In which case, I will happily take my gut over the misery of wrapping it up every day in a waist trainer. IT NEEDS TO BREATHE!

Leaving Pimples Alone

I know the Beatles said “Let it Be,” but what do they know. It’s called a “zit” because ZIT’S time to pop that rascal! If I have a pimple that has planted itself upon my face, it has got to go. I’m that kind of a person. Zero patience, no sense of delicacy, and a strong urge to ATTACK whenever I see a pimple on my face. If you are patient enough to let one go away on its own, I commend you, because you’re a stronger person than I.

Your Low Maintenance and Opinionated Servant,

Em