Unpopular opinion: The Monster Mash is the cheesiest song ever.

While “my ears are bleeding” has a lovely spooky vibe to it, you probably don’t actually want your ears to bleed on Halloween, but I assure you that they will if you listen to The Monster Mash. It sucks, and it’s about time we all just admitted it.

Does Halloween even need its own music genre? I’m going to answer this for you all: No, it doesn’t.

However, because I am a creative genius with an inarguably and objectively fantastic taste in music, I have compiled a list of Halloween tunes that are both festive and much less painful to listen to than The Monster Mash.

Your ears will thank me.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack

First things first: this movie is incredible. Second things second: Just put the whole dang soundtrack on shuffle and enjoy yourself. They just don’t make sci-fi-spoof-horror-comedy-musicals like that anymore. Such a shame.

Best Bet: Over at the Frankenstein Place or Time Warp

Werewolves of London (Warren Zevon)

My goal in life is to have as much style as a werewolf moseying about London, making calls in red phone booths and harassing the guards at Buckingham Palace.

Festive Lyric: “Aaooooooooo”

Toxic (Britney Spears)

Britney created what should have been an instant Halloween classic. Period.

Festive Lyric: “You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under with a taste of a poison paradise”

Thriller (Michael Jackson)

Honestly, what Halloween playlist would be complete without this classic? It’s tried-and-true and not nearly as corny as some OTHER songs that I will not mention again. Bonus points if you watch the FILM that is the music video.

Festive Lyric: Literally the whole song. Seriously. Beginning to end.

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)

This one is hard to explain, but am I the ONLY one who thinks this song is a little bit creepy?! Maybe it’s the music video that’s traumatized me permanently. A bunch of preteen boys with glowing eyes chasing Bonnie Tyler around a castle is terrifying, and I maintain that.

Festive Lyric: “Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark”

Monster (Lady Gaga)

This is a Lady Gaga CLASSIC that always tends to be overlooked, but should really be a Halloween anthem for anyone who a) likes Gaga or b) has ever been into a guy that they know is nothing but trouble (a.k.a. basically every guy I have ever met).

Festive Lyric: “He ate my heart and then he ate my brain”

Maneater (Hall & Oates)

A song about an emotionally unavailable yet glamorous woman who eats men alive? OBVIOUSLY on my Halloween playlist. Duh. 

Festive Lyric: “Watch out, boy, she’ll chew you up”

Witchy Woman (Eagles)

What’s more festive than witches? Seriously, name me one thing more festive than witches. You probably can’t think of anything.

Festive Lyric: “She’s a restless spirit on an endless flight”

Bat Out of Hell (Meat Loaf)

Did you really think I was going to create a playlist and not put Meat Loaf on it? You know me better than that. This song evokes images of motorcycles and steam and sweat and bats. Sweaty bats. Sweaty bats are Halloween-y, right?

Festive Lyric: “If I gotta be damned, you know I wanna be damned dancing through the night with you”

Killer Queen (Queen)

I was literally a Killer Queen a few years ago for Halloween. That was my whole costume. That’s why this gets to be on the list as a Halloween Bop. I get to make the rules here.

Festive Lyric: “She’s a Killer Queen, gunpowder, gelatin, dynamite with a laser beam”

Disturbia (Rihanna)

Middle school Emma is cheering right now since this song was on all of her playlists year-round. Me as a middle schooler, singing so joyously a song about full-on losing your mind, is probably the reason why I don’t take anything seriously now as an adult. I’ll have to look into that a little bit further.

Festive Lyric: “It can creep up inside you and consume you, a disease of the mind, it can control you”

Monster (Kanye West, Nicki Minaj and like 106 other people)

I’m going to be honest. I only like Nicki Minaj’s part in this song. The rest of the song makes me want to tell Kanye and Co. to shut RIGHT up, but Nicki’s feature is FIRE.  

Festive Lyric: “Okay, first things first, I’ll eat your brains, then imma start rockin’ gold teeth and fangs”

Your Musically Inclined and Spookily Festive Servant,

Em

Rocky Horror Picture Show image courtesy of https://www.morrisonhotelgallery.com/photographs/WaBHz1/Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show-1974

Thumbnail image courtesy of https://www.memphisflyer.com/FilmTVEtcBlog/archives/2017/08/21/music-video-monday-eclipse-special

Meat Loaf image courtesy of someone’s Pinterest page with a broken link (not mine I swear)