When I started this blog, I said that I wasn’t going to beat the dead “I’m a tall girl and it makes things complicated sometimes” horse. But as I’m entering my second series of the blog, I’m going to focus a little more on the dating/relationship side of things, and in order to do that I have to address the elephant in the room.

The giraffe in the room.

The tall-girl-tired-of-the-tall-girl-dating-clichés in the room.

Whatever.

I’m putting together a list of the most annoying lines that guys have used on me in the past in the hopes that a) anyone reading this can be sure to NOT use these lines on a tall girl EVER and b) you people can see what sort of annoying, repetitive bull caca I have to deal with on the regular, as far as the romance front goes. I’m getting it all out in the open for you. You’re welcome.

“You’re tall.”

Let’s just start with this. Ole Reliable. Not only is this incredibly boring and trite, it’s also something that I hear from every other person I meet. And I do mean everyone. Little old ladies, small children, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks, EVERYONE. Why would I want the person chatting me up to use this line?

Instead: Buy me a drink or get out of my face. I don’t have time for the uncreative mind.

“Looks like you’ve got me beat by a couple of inches!”

Okay buddy, it’s not my fault that you’re short and insecure with it. Not everything is a competition. I don’t go around telling people, “Jeez Louise, looks like I’m taller than you by a foot and a half, better luck next time!” It’s weird and awkward and definitely not a turn-on. Unless weird, awkwardness is your kink, in which case, soldier on, my friend, but do it far away from me.  

Instead: Prove that you are a quality specimen by, I don’t know, patting your head and rubbing your stomach. Something inoffensive, Set yourself apart.

“I bet you only date tall guys, huh?”

No, jackass, joke’s on you because I don’t date anyone since apparently I can’t ever escape from STUPID, PRESUMPTUOUS questions like this.

Instead: Figure out a way to silently understand that you’re not worthy of *all this* while also projecting confidence that also isn’t cocky or arrogant. That’s the magic formula.

“I want to climb you like a tree.”

Not only is this the worst cliché that has ever existed, it makes me think of trees, which, while I appreciate a good tree (you know, Mother Earth and all that), it’s not really something that I would like to be thinking about whilst being chatted up. I don’t say things like “I want to avoid you like poison ivy,” so let’s keep the nature metaphors, and what’s more, the clichés, to ourselves, ‘kay?

Instead: Say anything else. Even a summary of your last doctor’s visit or a dramatic retelling of a phone call with your electric company would be more interesting and appreciated than nature clichés.

“Do you play basketball or volleyball?”

Why, are you a coach looking to recruit someone? No? You’re a “self-employed businessman”? Wow, that’s so interesting…STOP ASKING ME IF I PLAY A SPORT. And if I said that yes, I used to play basketball, how will that move the conversation forward AT ALL? Are we going to talk about my shooting percentage? Blocks per game? What number jersey I was? Look, it’s not sexy, it’s not cute, it’s tired. I don’t want to talk about that and it’s just not a good line, I’m sorry. Do better.

Instead: Break out into a rousing Cotton-Eyed Joe routine. That’s the ultimate move. You know it. I know it. Why even try anything else?

“I bet I could beat you in one-on-one.”

Yeah, champ, I bet you could too. I have the knees of an 80-year-old woman and haven’t worn basketball shoes since high school when my eyebrows were thinner than my patience is at this exact moment. I bet I could beat you too. Over the head. With a stick.

Instead: “I have no desire to ever play one-on-one with you. Let’s get to know each other over drinks and never speak of our athletic pasts again.”

“It’s pretty brave of you to wear heels.”

It’s pretty brave of you to waste your one shot with me saying something as dumb as this. I’m going to also insert here that any comments about how tall girls shouldn’t wear heels because they shouldn’t be taller than their man are complete garbage and should be shut down immediately. Preferably with a good, strong head-butt or a swift roundhouse kick.

Instead: Either compliment the shoes or just shut up. Better to remain silent and be thought a jackass than open your mouth and make me have to punch you. Gandhi said that, look it up.

“You’re taller than me, but I still think you’re hot”

That’s because although you are clearly a simpleton, you at least have decent taste. Kudos for that.

Instead: Try a nice, clever limerick of your own composition to woo your target. Trust me, a simple 5-liner goes a long way.

Your Just-Trying-To-Help-You-Understand Servant,

Em