I am bringing all of you my FIRST EVER “Cooking Like a Jackass” blog post.

I am not a chef. I do a lot of making-it-up-as-I-go in my kitchen, which always makes for an interesting result.

Since I have been living on my own and so RUDELY required to make my own food, I am sharing with you people 3 of my go-to recipes to make in my tiny little West Virginia kitchen. So, without further ado (or a-don’t, it doesn’t really matter to me), I present my first recipe.

Step-On-The-Gas Southwest Corn Salad

How long it takes: Not too long, maybe 15 minutes? 20? It’s hard to say, because cutting vegetables with my shitey, wimpy knife takes 400 billion years so, I’ll say 15 minutes?

How much does it make? Like, a decently sized Tupperware container full? I’d love to tell you how many servings that is but GIRL, sometimes I eat more than I’m proud to admit.

What will I need?

1 can of yellow corn
½ can of black beans (this recipe is already gassy, don’t make it harder on yourself by putting in a whole can of beans. Trust me. I lived it. I know.)
1 red/yellow/orange pepper (whichever color is your favorite, honestly)
¼ cup of red onion (if you’re not an onion person, use less…? I like red onions, so I am pretty heavy-handed with it. Do with that information what you will.)
A touch of cilantro (again, if you don’t like cilantro, don’t use it. I’ve had it both with and without cilantro, because the last time I made this, I accidentally bought parsley at the store instead which WILL NOT work.)
Olive oil
Minced garlic
Salt to taste
Black pepper to taste
A nice, fat squirt of lime juice
Greek yogurt (because we are H E A L T H Y out here, people)
Tortilla chips

Directions

• Drain the can of corn and sauté it in a pan with the garlic, olive oil and some salt. This makes the corn taste less like it came from a can and more like garlicky corn goodness. It’s better that way.
• When the corn is done, put it in your decently-size Tupperware container. Then, drain the black beans and put half of the can in with the corn. What do you do with the rest of the beans? Hell if I know. Make it up as you go; that’s what I do.
• Rinse and chop your entire pepper and add it to the salad. Easy-peasy.
• Finely chop your red onion and add it to the mix. This is where I take my spoon and stir it all around to see how the ratio is looking. If it looks like I need more onion, I cut a bit more and add it. If it looks like too much onion, then OOPS. Can’t really undo it once you’ve stirred it, so suck it up, buttercup!

(Side bar: a week or so ago, I cut a red onion that did some serious damage to my tear ducts. Why do some onions make you cry more than others? What is the science here? I mean, I couldn’t even OPEN my eyes, people! I had to take a lap. Seriously. I went to my room and sat on the edge of my bed, wondering how it was possible for a VEGETABLE to put me on my ass like that.)

• Chop your cilantro and add it, too (or skip the step if you’re a hater).
• Stir again, because, what the hell? Why not?
• Season your salad with a little bit of salt and black pepper to taste.
• Take your lime juice and just squirt it on over the salad. I like LOTS of lime juice, but some folks who are more boring than me might not like it so much. However your heart desires it.
• Stir it all up.

Serving suggestions

I will spoon some of this salad into a bowl and mix it with the Greek yogurt and then eat it with tortilla chips. The Greek yogurt makes it a little bit creamy, which I like, but again, if you are boring and don’t like it as much with the yogurt, then don’t use it. I want YOU to be happy.

Definitely eat it with tortilla chips, though. ESPECIALLY those really good touch-of-lime ones. Those are like CRACK. But make sure that you keep calling it a “salad” though, so you can justify eating a bunch of chips with what is essentially a corn salsa.

Don’t tell anyone, though.

Croque Madame

How long will it take? Thankfully, not long. Maybe 10 minutes? Again, I’m bad at this part of the recipe thing.

How much does it make? One sandwich. Which is probably best, because this isn’t really a low-cal situation.

What will I need?

2 slices of thick-cut brioche bread (because, duh. This is very ~French~. Actually, I’m not too sure how the French do it. I know how I do it, which is the best way, obviously. Duh. Or, as the French say it, Deux.)
3 slices of Swiss cheese
2 slices of ham (you know, the regular deli-sliced stuff you would put on sandwiches)
Mayonnaise
1 large egg
Seasoned salt
Pepper
At least 1 napkin (I suggest more than 1, but maybe you’re less of a Slobby Bobby than me)

Directions

• Spread your mayo on one piece of brioche, and put that bread mayo-side down on a skillet/griddle/flat pan/I AM SORRY, I DO NOT KNOW THE LINGO.
• Assemble the madame: arrange your cheese and ham in the manner that you desire.
• Spread more mayo on the other piece of brioche and put the top on your sandwich, mayo-side up.
• Turn on your stovetop to get the bread cooking.
• Now, here is where you need to have your sixth sense. If you’re me and you burn grilled cheese every time you make it, there’s no hope for you. Everyone else? Flip that sucker over when you think the bottom is done.
• I would love to tell you how long to cook it on each side, but each stove is different and quite frankly, the Grilled Cheese Gods will probably be out to get you anyway. You’ll probably burn it, but it won’t be the end of the world.
• When the other side of the madame is done, take her off the heat, put her on a plate and move her to a secure location, like your microwave, to keep her warm.
• Crack your egg on the same pan, don’t burn yourself while you pick out the pieces of eggshell that will doubtlessly break into the pan, and shake a little seasoned salt and pepper over that egg.
• Put a lid on the pan while the egg fries so that it gets that lovely little film that holds the yolk in all neat.
• Don’t overcook your egg. If you don’t know how to fry an egg properly, I can’t help you. You want that yolk to still be pretty runny.
• When the egg is done, use a lifter and place it on your madame. This is her hat. She is now a very beautiful eggy sandwich with a nice hat. Congratulations!

Serving suggestions

If you are lame, you may eat this with a fork and a knife. I am not lame, so I like to pick it up and eat it with my hands in the sloppiest way possible. Which is why I need at least 1 napkin to handle myself while I’m eating this, because the yolk goes literally everywhere. I once found some dried egg yolk behind my ear. It was an eggs-treme situation. Okay, yeah I know. A terrible yolk.

Your Definitely-Getting-Chopped-in-the-First-Round Servant,

Em