I write a lot from the perspective of someone who struggles with both food and body image (because, well, duh. I am someone who struggles with both food and body image. Hello?! Have you ever READ my other blog posts?!), so today, I kind of wanted to switch that up.
I’ve been rolling this idea around in my head, and while I don’t want to sound preachy, I do think it’s an important thing to consider: how to be a friend to someone who struggles with these issues, and specifically food-related issues.
(I always use the phrase “food-related issues” or “struggling with food” because disordered eating practices can look different in everyone. Some people have a diagnosed disorder, some people don’t, but every challenge is valid. I’m not here to compare my food struggles with another person’s, but know when I use those terms, they cover a wide number of bases.)
Anyway, back to being a friend. As we get older, being a friend gets a little more complicated than choosing to hang out with the same kids on the playground at recess everyday. Being a friend as an adult means trying to understand what the people you love are going through, and helping them as much as you can when it’s getting too heavy for them.
And they should do the same for you.
But today, I just wanted to touch on a few ways that you can support a friend who struggles with food, and a few things you should try to avoid. Let’s get into it.
Don’t offer your opinion on WHAT they’re eating.
Maybe you absolutely cannot STAND tuna. Maybe the smell makes your stomach turn, and maybe you have pledged that never in a million years would you ever eat tuna again. That’s your prerogative. But if your food-skittish friend is eating a tuna salad sandwich for lunch, don’t offer that opinion to them.
You don’t know what is going on in their head; they might have wrestled with themselves all morning about either eating lunch or just pretending they were “too busy” to eat. If they make that tough decision and you, their friend, are wrinkling your nose and offering your two cents, it might turn them off from eating lunch, either with you or without you, now or any time in the future, completely. Even if tuna salad is the devil to you, just leave it alone.
Don’t offer your opinion on HOW MUCH they’re eating.
This one is a little self explanatory. Whatever your own diet preferences and portion opinions are, don’t comment on how much your friend is eating. Comments like “Wow, that’s a big burger!” or “I see they gave you a lot of french fries with that sandwich!” can be so, so, so triggering.
On the opposite side of that, don’t ask them, “Is that all you brought for lunch?” Instead, work to make sure your friend understands that when they’re with you, it’s always a safe space for them to nourish their bodies. Positive self-talk, gentle encouragement, and anti-diet attitudes are just a few ways you can do that, and over time, your friend might start to feel a little more at ease.
Listen.
Specifically, listen to understand, not to respond. If your friend is confiding in you some of their struggles with food, don’t bring up the fact that you were a picky eater in 3rd grade. It’s hard to talk about these issues, and it can be emotionally intense. Let your friend confide in you, and take on a supporting role.
If you have similar issues that you’ve never voiced, it can be a good opportunity to open a dialogue about diet hangups and insecurities, but make sure not to bring up unrelated tales about you that take the focus off the emotions your friend is feeling. Sometimes, as friends, it’s our job to simply listen and be there for them.
No second guessing.
Don’t second-guess what your friend is saying to you. If they are talking about how they have a hard time with food restriction and food guilt, don’t bring up the fact that you saw them eat a big breakfast that morning, or that they “always seem so confident, though.” Like many mental health challenges, food issues are not linear and they can be fluid from day to day. Just because you haven’t noticed that your friend is having a problem, doesn’t mean that problem doesn’t exist. If your friend is trusting you enough to talk to you about it, believe what they’re saying.
Ask questions.
If your friend is using terminology you’re not familiar with, ask them about it. If they say they tend to binge when they’re stressed, or that they body-check after each meal, and you have no idea what “body-check” or “binge” mean, just ask. It’s better to ask that question so that you can understand what they’re going through, rather than just nod along like you get it when you don’t. You may learn something, and it might open your eyes to some of the patterns you may not have noticed before.
Watch your language.
Be mindful of the language you use when talking about your own body or your own food choices. If you go out to eat at a pizza place with your friend, and you start in on how “bad” you are for eating pizza and how you’ll just have to “skip dinner to make up for it,” your friend, who struggles with food, is hearing what you’re saying, and it can be very triggering. Even casual comments about “feeling so fat today,” or whatever weight you’ve lost on the diet you’re on, it can really make a negative impact.
If you know that your friend has issues with food, be considerate and make an effort to eliminate harmful diet talk when you’re around them. It’s just not the right time or place.
Practice patience.
This one may be a little hard, but in some cases, the best thing you can do when it comes to your friend is to be patient. Do they always seem to flake out on you when you’ve made plans that involve food, like going out to lunch or going to a barbecue? Try to see it from their perspective. Making a plan pretty far in advance may not really mean much for them at that time, but when the barbecue is tomorrow and they’re thinking about all of the food that will be there, how they have to navigate it, and how there will be loads of other people there seeing them eat? You might flake out too. It’s a lot, mentally, so try to be patient if your food-concerned friend texts you, “rain check?” It’s not about you; it’s about them and their internal struggle.
Be there.
This sounds like a given, but hear me out. For me personally, as a food struggler, I have a hard time with grocery shopping. I’ve had many a breakdown in the Food Lion parking lot. Why? Well, I get really overwhelmed, because I tend to see the store as just aisles and aisles of food that I’ve been conditioned to think of as food I “can’t eat.” And it’s hard. But being able to go with a friend, or even just talk on the phone with a buddy while I’m shopping can really, REALLY help. So try to be there for your struggling friends, especially in times when they might feel the most triggered, whether that’s grocery shopping with them, cooking and eating a meal with them on a bad day, or just being a shoulder they can lean (or cry) on.
Adult friendships are hard. We’re all going through something, and these friendships take time, effort and energy to maintain. Sometimes, it’s intense. Sometimes, it’s nothing but a good time. But a friend, a true friend, should take the time to understand what your loved one may be having a hard time with, and while, yes, everyone’s got their own stuff they’re facing, know that you might not understand your friend’s struggles fully.
And that’s okay.
What matters most is that you’re there, you’re listening, and you’re loving them anyway.
Here are just a couple links that talk a little more about stuff I just touched on up there in my blog post. Two links isn’t very many links, but it’s a start. ❤
It's Raining Em 