What, like YOU’VE never compared classic Thanksgiving dishes to general male archetypes? Give me a FREAKIN’ break.

Turkey: Ole Buddy, Ole Pal

The Food: Turkey is a Thanksgiving staple, right? Thanksgiving dinner wouldn’t be Thanksgiving dinner without it! It’s reliable and always there.

The Dude: This is the classic camped-in-the-friendzone scenario. He’s nice, inoffensive, but there’s generally nothing too special about him, so he’s never going to make it past first base. Shoot, he may not even make it to the field. He might still be in the parking lot. I digress.

Cranberry Sauce: Douchebag McGee

The Food: I’m sorry, but I’m just going to say it. Cranberry sauce is gross. Is it ever-popular? Yes. Does that take away from its grossness? Um, no. You all just have terrible taste. It’s about time someone told you.

The Dude: He’s highly overrated, but, to be quite frank, probably has nothing really working for him other than a reputation. He probably played sports or was a “big deal” in his frat in college, and now he has some sort of complex that I’d maybe be interested in hearing about from a psych major after a couple of glasses of wine. Lots of people are into this guy, maybe even some of your besties, but he leaves you with a sense of general disgust in humanity. You know the type.

Stuffing:  Not Here for a Long Time, but Here for a Good Time

The Food: I’m about to keep it 100 with you. Stuffing is a great addition to Thanksgiving dinner, but sometimes the aftermath isn’t pretty. Look, I won’t spell it out for you, but my gut can’t be the only one in remediation after eating stuffing at Thanksgiving. It’s all fun and games in the moment, but when reality and digestion sets in, the result is less than desirable.

The Dude: He’s a great time. Probably tons of fun, with a wacky sense of humor who always brings something exciting to the table. But when you’re alone with him, he, to put it plainly, sucks. Maybe he’s rude or gropey. Maybe he’s boring as sin. It’s all an illusion with this guy; he’s never as fun as he appears to be.

Pumpkin Pie: It’s That Time of Year Again

The Food: Pumpkin pie is great, but I feel like I never hear anyone ever talk about it until fall rolls around. It’s delicious, don’t get me wrong, but I think that it has its place and that place is at Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving only.

The Dude: Here we have a classic Cuffing Season case. We see nothing but radio silence from this guy for basically the entire year. He’s silent through the twitterpation of spring and the back sweat of summer, but as soon as that bite comes into the air again, he’s making his way right to his version of Thanksgiving dinner: our DMs.

Pecan Pie: The Sickeningly Sweet(heart)

The Food: I don’t even like pecan pie, really. It’s a cavity waiting to happen. I mean, it’s like all sugar and pecans. Pecans underwhelm me. The most exciting thing about them is that people can’t figure out how to say their name correctly (i.e. Pee Can versus P’kahn).

The Dude: This is that guy who bends over BACKWARDS to be sweet to you. He’s always messaging you “good morning, beautiful” and asking how your day went. You should, logically, be thrilled with the attention, but it just comes across as too sweet and almost like he’s trying too hard. Because he is.

Mashed Potatoes: BoringBoringBoringHowBoringCanOneDishBeBoringBoring

The Food: I avoid mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving because it fills up space in my belly that I would rather be filled with something a little bit more interesting. With a better flavor profile and more attractive texture.

The Dude: All I can say is that this is, to put it simply, the literal most boring person on the effing planet. No texture, no flavor, no nothing. Just a boring starch that takes up space.

Green Bean Casserole: The “Nice” Guy

The Food: Your initial thought might be that this is a vegetable dish. You would be incorrect in thinking that. The casserole is presented like it’s adding some healthy element to your plate, but the more of it you eat, the more you understand that, what with the sheer amount of cream and sodium and maybe, I don’t know, chunks of bacon or whatever you all put in your green beans, there is no way on God’s Green Earth that it’s healthy.

The Dude: He might come across as a nice guy. Maybe even downright chivalrous. But the more you get to know him, the more you can see that it’s all just an act. He’s really, in reality, a Class A, Bottom-of-the-Barrel Jackass-in-the-Box. Shame, he seemed like such a great guy.

Cornbread: Episode II, Attack of the Crumbs

The Food: Cornbread is yummy, but that crumb situation ain’t no joke. Seriously, especially if the person who made it overcooked it just a tad? It’s like Hansel and Gretel’s wildest fantasy. Crumbs, crumbs, everywhere.

The Dude: Every time you get involved, it’s just a freakin’ mess. High level of drama, low level of emotional compatibility. Like a Thanksgiving-flavored hurricane.

Your Currently-Likes-Food-More-Than-Dudes Servant,

Em

Thumbnail base image courtesy of https://www.countryliving.com/food-drinks/g637/thanksgiving-menus/