Generally, when I write about relationships (or lack thereof, usually), I tend to be pretty hard on the male population.

Couldn’t possibly be because most of them are smelly, rude and clueless, right?

Okay, okay, I’m kidding. Sort of.

Whatever. The point is, usually I’m pretty much on the “men are trash” train, so I’m trying to change up my rhetoric a little bit. You know, keep everyone on their toes. I don’t want to be too predictable.

Since we are half a month into 2020, I’m still mulling over resolutions, hopes for the new year, blah blah blah. For my job I already did the tongue-in-cheek resolution list thing, so I’ll spare you all the trite wonderings of someone who a) is a mess b) doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing ever and c) needed an idea for one of the New Year’s columns.

However, I do want to wish good vibes on everyone looking for a ~man~ this year. Even if you’re not looking. But instead of telling you which men to avoid this year (which, like I said, SO predictable, Emma, jeez, get a grip), I’m going to list out the types of men that I hope blunder into your life this year.

Guys are fun, but only if they’re the fun kind of guys, right?

The Old Friend, New Flame

Okay, let’s be real. For some of you, there’s probably some dude in your past that you had the hots for in middle school or something that you’ve been harboring a secret desire to reconnect with. No? Just me? Come on. He probably had Bieber hair and smelled like Axe back then, but he’s probably a hottie with a body now. I hope that he comes to his senses and makes a move (or you come to YOUR senses and make the move, because damn, can’t a girl make the first move around here?!).

The Great Communicator

Trust me, this does NOT refer to someone who texts you “good morning” every morning and expects to talk to you all day, every day. Unless that’s what you’re looking for. Personally, it makes me nauseous just thinking about that, but to each their own. I am referencing a guy who can (drumroll please) EXRESS HIS FEELINGS honestly and also (another drumroll please) LISTEN TO YOU. It’s that simple. I am wishing that everyone on the search finds someone who isn’t afraid to (in the words of John Mayer) say what they need to say. And know when to shut their piehole and listen to you.

Mr. Clean

Conceptualizing this list, I was going to say that I want everyone to meet a guy with good personal hygiene. But the more I think about it, the actual, real-life Mr. Clean is a super-hottie in his own right. So I might actually be wishing that you all meet a hunky older bald man with an earring and a tight t-shirt. Whichever floats your personal boat.

Aretha Franklin

It’s all about the R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I’m wishing all of the nice, respectful vibes into everyone’s love life. I hope he respects women, I hope he respects his mom, I hope he respects YOU, I hope he respects everyone who deserves respect. Rudeness is unacceptable. We are all nice and respectable (most of the time? Usually? Sometimes? Occasionally?), so I’m hoping the cosmos drops someone into our lives that knows it.

The Tinder Hero

Come on. I know y’all are on Tinder. I know that, because I, myself have redownloaded it, regardless of the posts that I’ve written telling myself Tinder is toxic and I have no business being on it. Doesn’t matter your reasons for being on it, but if you’re looking for someone, I hope that a diamond in the rough comes through for you and you find someone whose cheesy pickup line really resonates with you. All of my single-and-searching folks deserve that!  

Look.

Whether you’re looking for someone or not, whether you’re single or not, whether you’re actually an alien wearing a skin suit or not, the new year has begun. At the risk of sounding like everyone else this time of year, I’m thinking that fabulous, wonderful, groundbreaking stuff is in store for everyone in 2020.

Maybe it hasn’t picked up yet.

Maybe your Christmas decorations are still up because you can’t be arsed to put them away.

Maybe you’re still a mess.

Maybe it doesn’t seem like anything is really changing yet.

It’s early. Good stuff is in store. I know it, because, duh, I know everything. So trust me and the good vibes I’m sending you all.

Your All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Good-Vibes-Only Servant,

Em

Thumbnail base image courtesy of https://wallpapercave.com/good-vibes-wallpapers

Mr. Clean image courtesy of P&G Everyday