If a muscle is not used, eventually it withers. Intuition is exactly like that: without food, without employment, it atrophies.

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, “Women Who Run with the Wolves”

(The first installment of the Let’s Howl series, in which I do some reflecting on Dr. Estés’ book. It’ll be a great series. You’ll love it.)

When I was in college, there was a bookshelf in the English building that had free books on it (at least, I HOPE they were free). Take one, leave one, they didn’t really care.

So one day, I took one. It was called “Women who Run with the Wolves” by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, and the title was so intriguing that I felt like I couldn’t pass it up.

Also, it was a pretty hefty book! You know that feeling you get when you pick up a book, a NICE book, and you thumb through the pages and it smells all bookish and then you feel inspired, like you want to read it all that day, or write a memoir, or give your 8th grade English teacher a hug? You ever had that feeling?

No? Just me?

Anyway, I grabbed the book, stowed it in my bag, and brought it back to my dorm.

And I never touched it.

I moved it back to Fredericksburg with me after I graduated from Roanoke, and I didn’t touch it there either.

I moved it to my little mountain town, where I have now lived for over a year, and I didn’t touch it. It’s been years since I first laid eyes on the hardback, but I never read anything past the foreword until this week.

And I’m hooked.

Let me put out a little disclaimer here: I’m not a literature person. I’m not particularly book-y. When I was growing up, maybe, but lately my reading material consists of, well, blogs, magazines and anything small and nuggety that I can digest easily.

Because my reading habits are pretty shameful for someone who considers herself a writer, I’m not going to “review” the book for you guys.

(*everyone reading this breathes a sigh of relief*)

Yes, you’re welcome. But, because my strength is talking about myself and what’s going on in my own noggin, I do want to share with you guys some of the lessons I learn as I read this book.

I’m not aiming to “give anything away” as far as the book goes. It has a literature/analysis/reflection kind of format that might not work for everyone, and I feel like if I share some of my personal experiences with the lessons I learn, I might become a better writer, more introspective, and share with you guys a little bit about how the stuff that Estés writes about can actually relate to my (and possibly even YOUR) reality.

With that long intro, let me just hop into my first reflection:

Intuition (Let’s get in-tu-it)

I can’t TELL you how often I tell my friends who come to me for advice to trust their gut. I really can’t. It happens all. The. Time.

In the book, Estés writes out a famous Russian folktale about a young girl named Vasalisa who learns to come into her own, trusting her intuition and just KNOWING what to do and when to do it.

Here’s what I have come into understanding based on Estés’ analysis and reflection on the folktale.

Intuition is something that all women have within them. Some women rely on it and listen to it more than others (or, as Estés calls it, “feeding” the intuition), and some women let it go dormant.

Now, I know that I sometimes have a real problem feeding my intuition. I do a lot of dumb stuff, so it’s tough for me to trust that things I do are the RIGHT things to do.

And, when I make a decision and there are warning signs, instead of FOLLOWING my intuition, I find myself, well, ignoring it.

You know, feeding everything BUT the intuition.

For example:

I was recently seeing someone, and in my 2 months of seeing this person, little stuff happened (or DIDN’T happen, which is equally as important) that I should have paid attention to. My intuition said, “Emma, girl, come on. This isn’t what we need. This doesn’t fit. Hang it up and move on.”

And I, as the all-knowing being that I am, pushed that intuition away.

Side bar: Did you guys ever see the 1970s Disney Robin Hood movie? With the absolutely bangin’ soundtrack and cutie-patootie fox and thickety-brickety bear protagonist situation? There’s a part in the movie where the bad guy, Prince John, gets annoyed at some good, sound advice from his buddy Sir Hiss, and ends up tying him in a knot and sticking him in a basket and sits on the lid. He doesn’t want to hear it.

I believe that Sir Hiss represents Prince John’s intuition. He doesn’t want to deal with what Hiss is saying, so he buries him and pretends he’s not there.

That’s what I did. And if I’m being totally honest with myself, I do it a lot. And not just about romantic pursuits. About other stuff, too, like “I’m going to stop at Subway to overpay for dinner instead of cooking the chicken boob I have in my fridge already.”

My inner Sir Hiss says, “Emma, babe, don’t do that. Make that chicken.”

And into the basket it goes.

Maybe I’m zooming out too much. Maybe Estés is referencing intuition on a strictly primal level, as a way to harness your inner “Wild Woman.”

(A concept I love, by the way. The book says that there’s an inner Wild Woman in everyone, sort of an inner goddess-type-thing? It’s tough to explain, but basically it means once you know and understand your own power, you are close to reaching that Wild Woman. I love it. Maybe because I’m a Scorpio and love the idea of Power, maybe because I get tired of following all the rules that dictate what a woman “should” do, what she “should” look like, what she “should” say, etc. Maybe it’s because I tried for a long time to smother the dichotomy of Me, drawing attention only to the light and scrambling to cover all the dark, and the idea of the “Wild Woman” shows that there is equal strength in both, and strength in being able to balance the light and the dark. Maybe that’s another Let’s Howl blog post for another time.)

After I stopped seeing the most recent guy (you know, the one where I ignored Sir Hiss), it was like the intuition all back-flooded. The things I’d thrown out, the times when I ignored my intuition because I was trying to make something fit where it wouldn’t, it all rose to the surface like bile, and I tasted the bitterness of regret.

Regret for not listening to what my intuition was telling me. Regret for not paying attention when this guy said stuff that made me feel insecure or that was a little hurtful or that made me think, “huh, maybe this isn’t the fit that I thought it was.”

Regret does not make me feel like I’m in touch with my Wild Woman. Regret makes me feel like an idiot.

Looking back at an experience and knowing that your gut was telling you to do one thing and you chose to sit on the basket and ignore it? That’s a pretty terrible feeling.

As I was reading this part of the book the other day, that was what I was thinking.

My main takeaway was that women tend to fall into a couple different patterns. You know, just accepting when something isn’t working right and trying to suck it up. Staying where they are in their lives because they feel safe. Doing an awful lot of hemming and hawing but not taking much action, because there’s always more information to take into account.

The search to find that inner Wild Woman, getting in touch with her and befriending her, it all takes trust in the Self. Trust in the Self leads to feeding the intuition. The more we feed it, the stronger it gets.

My question is, what if the gut is wrong?

Like, let’s think mathematically for a second. (I know, math isn’t my strong suit, but bear with me here for a second.)

Your gut can’t ALWAYS be right, can it?

Let’s use an example, just a generic story.

Susie Q is dating Jack Sprat. Susie Q is incredibly in love with Jack Sprat, and he really can do no wrong in her eyes.

Then, one day, Susie Q finds out that Jack Sprat cheated on her with Jane Doe.

That bitch, Jane Doe! Susie Q thinks. She decides to wash her hands of Jack, the cheating pigdog himself.

A few months go by. Susie Q goes on a couple dates: Peter Piper was a non-starter, Tom Thumb was a dud, and Rumpelstiltskin didn’t know what he wanted. She finds herself wondering what Jack Sprat (formerly Cheating Pigdog) is up to. It’s been a while. Maybe she should just reach out and see what he’s doing these days.

So she unblocks him and DMs him on Instagram. They start a conversation. The memories all come flooding back. How badly she missed him! He seems to really be doing poorly, hinting at how his life has gone to hell in a hand basket since she broke up with him, how he’s been neglecting his personal hygiene, the whole nine yards.

Something tells Susie Q that Jack has changed. He seems to be genuine. He’s earnest, excited to talk to her, and hopeful. So she decides to listen to her gut and give him another try.

Alas, Jack Sprat’s wandering eye couldn’t be contained. They hadn’t rekindled their romance for a MONTH before Susie Q saw a text pop up on his phone from Mother Hubbard: “Want to visit my cupboard again tonight?” with two emojis: the winky-face and GASP! The eggplant?! THE HORROR!

That anecdote is to illustrate that sometimes what our intuition tells us is NOT the right thing.

Maybe it’s all in how you look at it? Maybe Susie Q hadn’t learned her lesson the first time (uh, duh) and so it took another round of Pig Dog Assholery to make her the sadder yet wiser girl?

Or maybe, there aren’t BAD outcomes when you trust your intuition, but only further opportunities to feed it, make it stronger and learn from experiences?

It’s a lot to think about. Imagine being in my head as I read it! I mean, it’s a mile a minute in there, but I think it’s a good thing. It makes me dive a little deeper into myself and figure out WHY I do the stuff I do, how my brain works, how I can be more thoughtful and purposeful in my actions for the future. It’s a good thing!

But anyway, as I make my way through this big ole book, I feel like I’m going to want to share some of my revelations. I feel like that will help me a) sort out my actual thoughts and opinions about the Wild Woman stuff and b) force you guys to think about it too. It’ll be good for all of us. Trust me, I am very wise.

Usually.

Your-Well-Read-and-Uncommonly-Insightful Servant

Em